The Thing With The Doubters Who Are Never Really Happy

by | March 13, 2017

There are people that are never really happy. Because they are looking for the fly in the ointment, because they can not let go and scared before the fall. If it goes well, it can be worse. If it is bad, it will be no more better.

So someone is my friend A.. A perhaps not only is this a person, are we all. Or at least many of us. Who is B, lucky.

Is my name, my age doesn’t matter. I live, because I have to. I like to come here, but it could be better. That everything will be good, I don’t believe. Sooner or later everything will collapse and then I’m the one who has right.

It’s all bad, but I’m getting a bit worse. I must endure myself, my thoughts, the chaos heart and brain. I’m the girl with the grey shade. If I’m not careful He slays me. It doesn’t matter where I go, no matter who is with me and for how long. I am myself. Until this a moment in which everything revolves and applies, in which all of a sudden everything is dark. The world that I’m experiencing is formed into a black hole in the belly of a crater that swallowed all my feeling and digested it, until it swells as thoughts crap out of my ears. I’m worried. Always.

It’s Sunday night and I am sitting alone in my room. The radio murmurs, the bath water splashing softly to himself… I will go down, sink, hear, and see. Because I only feel, because I’m afraid that it will be different. Because the stones in my belly pressing me on the ground and waiting to punch me in the face. There, casual to the leaning wall, is my shadow. He watched me foolish, while I’m not doing anything, just melt away. In self-pity and fear. He overwhelmed me and inverts itself at the end of all over my body – gray is well today especially me.

I just sit and realize that it’s starting again. After Heaven Hell comes, usually suffering following the love. Yesterday everything was still rosy, heavy dark stripes over you and me about us wear today. He who has loved me yesterday seems to hate me sincerely. Not a smile, as he woke up next to me, a hug at noon, not a Word. I fault, because I’m not what he now most needs. Because he deserves better, someone who is beautiful and smarter and funny and never bad-tempered. Doubts about drilling through my nostrils with every breath.  There he, the shade and he has won again, has power over everything to say, do, think. I think A. What happened? I don’t know, I’m looking for reasons to no avail, because suddenly everything was easy otherwise.

I’m sitting in my room, staring at the walls and the shadow. Ugly, it’s here and not even warm. Yesterday everything was still so familiar, now clear and empty. The table may no longer fit with the chairs, the bed becomes the monster that swallowed up the whole room. Today all looks different than yesterday, because everything has turned, because everything goes down the drain. I have no desire to get up and get out, everything is exhausting, because formed the nodes from thoughts to a nasty louse, which runs me through the liver every minute. Discontent and doubt occur together in the arena, beating brainless until at the end, both cry. Surrender. The bad mood is not there because the world is bad, but because I am even mies. Because I always continue into catapult me in this vicious circle “about stupid find – be an unpleasant colleague – encounter less affection than before – feel so unloved – are still unsafe as a result – itself sucks find – therefore suck to others be – fear before, other crap one will find because it just sucks to the whole world is – out of spite everything still crappy, as previously – doubt everything – despair”.

Slosh slosh. The head is overflowing like bath water at the edge of the pool. I turn out the lights, then I kill shadows, just so. My head is wet, my ears are wet, everything is wet. All of a sudden I can think again: I really don’t have a shadow – because everything is good and life is dry.

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